remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
