He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
