Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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