soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
false alarm. still invincible.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
