Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
