If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
