that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
