I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
