My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
