Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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