take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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