I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
