Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
