if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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