My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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