yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Verdict: uncircumcised.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
