Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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