she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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