we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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