just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
