there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize