Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
