this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
