You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just found a bag of teeth...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
