I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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