the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
