I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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