Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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