yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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