these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
