i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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