ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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