I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
