He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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