Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
