So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
