hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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