This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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