Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
