Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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