I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
