Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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