i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
