just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
