Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
