I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
