Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
