im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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