i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
