I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
