Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
