I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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