someone owes me an orgasm
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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