Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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