I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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