I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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