I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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