I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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