i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
