I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
