he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
