What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
