Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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